bi-sexual quandary

[Rev. Jim Cunningham]

From: Matsfriend (Original Message) Sent: 12/27/2003 4:48 AM
Hi there

I'm a new member from South Africa and joined this group particularly because I'm a Christian and like so many others struggling with my faith becuase of my sexuality.
I am bi-sexual but with a very STRONG lean to the gay side, married and love my wife very much indeed.
My struggle is how to find expression for the gay side of me, the needs that I feel, the desires that cannot be expressed. I have to keep that side of myself completely secret.
I have to confess to resorting to gay porn and always feel immense guilty for doing so, not only before God but as a married man.
Are there others in my situation ? How do you cope ? What are your feelings about porn ? I realize that to indulge in the use of porn propagates a really bad industry but perhaps it's a better option that others ? I really don't know !

Blessings
Matsfriend

[Rev. Jim Cunningham]

From: Manager Rev. Jim Sent: 12/27/2003 1:45 PM
Dear MatsFriend,

God bless you and welcome to the Group.

I understand the situation that you are going through, and you are definitely not alone. There are many married men who are struggling with homosexual feelings, and my heart goes out to you with sympathy.

Some of the things that I'll be discussing with you will be rather "matter-of-fact" and to the point, as though I were speaking about a general subject to a church group. I in no way mean for it to sound personally judgmental. I may say some things that you can appreciate, and I may say some things that may seem disappointing and not what you were hoping to hear. The most important thing to focus on is that, contrary to the way we want things to go, we want to do things that please our Father in heaven.

Before I go directly to the subject at hand, I would like to comment on your question about pornography. To most people it would seem like a good idea to resort to pornography, rather than to commit outright adultery with another person. In fact, many sex counsellors recommend it and say that watching pornography can actually enhance relationships. However, you and I both know that, as Christians, we live by the will of God and not the will of the flesh. We do not rely on our own understanding and feelings, but upon the Word of God. What may seem right in our own eyes is not always right in the eyes of God. Because we are born in sin, our way of thinking is automatically corrupted, and we cannot trust what our flesh tells us no matter how "right" it may seem. The world may think that watching pornography makes complete sense, but Christians are not of the world and we live according to God's way of thinking. Amen?

When we accepted Christ as our Savior, we acknowledged that we are condemned sinners, and we lay down our lives and our wills in exchange for eternal life and the will of God. We give up what we want in exchange for what the Lord wants, regardless of how frustrating it may seem at times (and yes it IS frustrating some times). We are told to "take up our cross daily," which means that, on a daily basis, we must die to the will of the flesh in favor of the will of God.

The problem with pornography isn't just that it supports a "bad industry". The Lord requires His children to keep their minds clean and to turn their eyes away from that which is not wholesome. He expects us to be holy, as He is holy. According to the Bible, sex is something that is meant to be shared only within a covenant union, with no other participants - visibly or physically. Jesus Himself said that merely looking at a woman and lusting after her is the same as adultery, because it was done in the heart; merely plotting in our mind to commit a sin is the same as actually commiting the sin. It is the act of coveting, condemned by the tenth commandment.

First, when we watch pornography, we are spying on the sex acts of others. Second, we are participating in the pornographer's sin of fornication. Third, the intent of watching pornography is to be aroused and fulfill a sexual desire that is outside of the marriage covenant, which is adultery. The only naked person we should ever see, for sexual gratification, is our spouse. As Christians we know in our hearts that watching other people have sex, or that looking at other people to attain sexual gratification, is not holy behavior, which is we have "guilty" feelings. So, for Christians, the use of pornography is not consistant with living a godly life in accord with His Word.

That having been said, let's move on to the issue of your homosexual feelings. You know, the Bible tells a good story that I think would be fitting to mention here. There was a rich man who came to Jesus and asked Him what he had to do to obtain eternal life. Jesus told him to keep the commandments; the man told Jesus that he had been completely faithful in that area, and the Bible tells us that Jesus suddenly felt great compassion and love for him. Then the man asked, "What more am I lacking?" The answer that Jesus gave him was not what the man had expected to hear. Jesus told him to go and sell everything that he had, give away all the money, and to come and follow Him. Jesus told him, "You cannot serve God AND money." Now, the man could, and should, have said, "You're right! My father worked his whole life to give me the wealth that I have, but if that's what God wants me to do, then that is exactly what I'll do, because what God wants, and the gift of eternal life, is more important that anything I want in this world!" But that is not what he said. Instead he grumbled that he would have to give up the things of the world in exchange for the things of God, and he went away sad - and lost. He obeyed everyone of the commandments of God, but he was unwilling to give up the one thing that God asked of him. God had told Abraham to give up his son, and Abraham, even though he loved his son with all of his heart, was willing to give up ANYTHING that God asked him to give up. But this man wasn't willing to do that.

How does this story relate to you? Because you will have to make that same decision. You see, when we enter into a marriage covenant, the Lord says that it is for life. Our bodies become the property of our spouse and our spouse's body becomes our property, never to be shared with another (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). By getting married we have made a life choice. We have made our decision, regardless of what comes along later.

You made a comment about how you might find an expression for your "gay side". But, my friend, when you chose to marry your wife, you automatically foresook that part of your life, just as every heterosexual man foresakes the desire to be with other women when he gets married. While you were still single and the choice was in your hands, you could have chosen to be with a man. But you selected to be with the woman you married. Marriage limits our sexual desire to one person, and that is what God asks you to do. You are now in the same position as the man in the Bible story. The world would tell you to leave your wife and give in to your feelings and desires, but the Lord asks that you stay faithful to the covenant you made with your wife.

But the Lord is not unmerciful to let you suffer in agony with this. He knows your situation and He CARES. The Bible tells us that if we submit all things to Him, He will not fail us and He will reward us beyond anything we could imagine. If you will totally surrender this issue to the Lord and remain fully faithful in heart and body, He WILL lighten your burden. He has sworn to do so, and God cannot lie. That is not to say that it won't be difficult or that you won't feel a loss. Look at Job in the Bible. Even after the Lord restored everything to Job, the Bible says that he still needed to be comforted for his losses. God did give him comfort and Job went on knowing that his faithfullness, even if it hurt, would win him a greater prize. That is what our relationship with God is as Christians. It can be both bitter and sweet. But God always wipes away our tears.

So you must ask yourselve, are you willing to give all that you are and follow Christ, or will you, like the man in the story, turn and go sadly away?

May God give you strength to make the right decision, and I pray that the Lord will indeed lighten your burden and give you peace. Remember that we are always here for you to encourage you in the Lord.

With great love and compassion,
Rev. Jim

[Rev. Jim Cunningham]

From: Matsfriend Sent: 12/28/2003 5:21 AM
Dear Rev Jim

Thank you for your reply. You are of course right and I thank you for your wisdom and Christ focusness.

My dilemma only really came to the surface after I had married - it was a fairly long and confusing journey to come to where I am at the moment. So I didn't exactly choose between marrying a woman or getting involved with a man if you see what I mean.

However, that doesn't change the commitment I have made and the desire of my heart before the Lord is to be faithful to my wife in every respect. It would just be so good to have someone to share my "other" self with !

God bless

Matsfriend

[Rev. Jim Cunningham]

From: Manager Rev. Jim Sent: 12/29/2003 10:06 AM
Dear MatsFriend,

I'm so proud of you that you have resolved to remain faithful to your marriage covenant, and I know that our Savior is not only proud of you but that He rejoices over you and brags about you before the angels of Heaven.

I know the frustration you face. It is a frustration that can drive you to tears. The sex drive is an amazingly powerful force which has caused the fall of even the holiest of men; and when the Lord tells us to silence that particular force, it can cause us to feel like we are going to explode.

Before I met the man that I am going to marry, I was single for seven years, and I struggled horribly with trying to keep from fornicating. It almost drove me insane, especially when there were so many opportunities to sin. I was so desparate that I begged God to take away my sex drive so that I wouldn't have to endure it any longer. Well, He didn't take away the drive, that's not how He operates; but the more I remained faithful and threw myself on His mercy, the stronger He made me. One of the things He told me, which I will never forget, is that, if He were to take away all of our desires, if there were no temptations, what would be left to make us grow? How can we build our spiritual muscles if there is no form of resistance to encounter? It helped me to understand what it is to be a soldier for Christ. A soldier no longer has a will of his own; he does what he is told. He becomes a disciple through DISCIPLINE. And discipline is MAKING yourself obey against your will to do otherwise. It is hard. It is agonizing. But a soldier knows that when he has accomplished his training, he will be praised by his Commander and rewarded before everyone, and the joy of that moment will be worth every moment of the past hardships.

Be strong, my brother, and know that the very Spirit of the Almighty dwells within you to raise the banner of victory. May goodness and mercy be with you all the days of your life.

With love in Jesus,
Rev. Jim

[Rev. Jim Cunningham]

From: jan Sent: 12/29/2003 10:49 AM
Bro. Jim, thanx so much for sharing. I too was celibate for 6 years prior to
meeting my fiance....she gave me a beautiful ring and we are planning an
Autumn Holy Union....yes it IS hard, and I too had moments of despair...but
you are so rught...the longer we persevere...the better we are able to
resist temptation....what a wonderful allegory as you likened it to building
spiritual muscle.Blessings...j